Its been three weeks  since my daughter has moved back home.  I am working on the "not to engage" technique.  I found it working until a few days ago.  My adhd partner,  has been affected by my new technique.  Its interesting to observe how my actions make contact with all the members in the family. 

I have this thing - my adhders tend to spring demands on me, in the last minutes, just before I'm off to work, when I really can't do anything for them.  A few days ago, my daughter yelled and demanded that I give her the last front door key.  My response was, "You're upstairs, ask your dad for a key".  She has been home for about three weeks now and very busy partying.  It was only now that she realized that I could be away and she would be inconvenienced due to the fact that her dad just got work again and may not be home either, should she want to come home early.  Now, I should, in all fairness, fill you in with some history.

My daughter is forgetful due to her lack of attention.  I realize this and only allow her to have a key to the back door (has cost me large, rekeying and replacing locks).  I also realize that my partner only has one key to the back door (because he too, loses keys).  This situation is because my daughter has lost all the keys we have given her and we have three doors for exiting.  I have asked my partner (the great carpenter)  to do something about the locks and that we are seriously key shy.  I have the master key to two of the doors and no key to the third.  I hold tight to my key!  Now, I don't engage anymore.  I ask and wait but I simply remind them, when they react, that I asked once before and then walk away.  This new technique really gets to both of them.  I don't nag anymore, as they accused me before, or as I like to think, remind them.  I just go on with my business and wait for them to realize the need, in their due time.  This has taken so much frustration away from my plate, yeah!!!!  Natural consequences do come.

I have all rights to not trust my daughter in the house alone and have discussed the reasons why.  This new moving in comes with conditions.  That she be home between 10 and 11 pm, on a school night, then the door is night locked.  This took about a week to establish and I had to bend the time frame; by giving her plenty of time to make the dead line; by having an hour instead of a set time (it started out that I said, "by 10 pm").  I need my sleep for work and will not wait up all night, for her to decide to come home.  And this is a routine that she needs to learn for good habit building and sucess for her working life.  By the way, weekends are free time and no conditions.

I try to have her out for school by 8 am (she has a bus ride to take and thats about how long it takes for her to be on time), and all of us are on time for school/work.  That has been a challenge!  I have chosen to let that battle go because I can't enforce it without being late for work.  It worries me that I can't trust her because of past issues and that, I don't have reason to believe there's much change but this, I need to let go.  I come home at 10:45 am to check all is well. I work close to home and its my first break, that's how I cope with that decission.  It also gives her a chance to show me that I can trust her.  Its taking time but I am seeing progress around the 8 am departure time.

Now, back to the issue.  My daughter was in a rage, yelling and demanding.  I was calm and quiet and simply said that it was her tough luck if her dad didn't have a key for her but I wasn't giving up mine. (besides we haven't worked out the trust issues around having a key)  Well, that didn't go well with my partner.  He was in a rage and freaked out about how I made her upset and I was making her start off the day on a bad foot.  (Of course I was to blame for everything).  I simply said to move his truck because I was leaving for work.  Now this is the interesting part.  I got into my car and started it up waiting for him to move his truck.  Instead, he was yelling and jumping up and down at my car door.  I had locked the door and observed.  He was so mad he banged at my window with his fist.  I was sure that I was going to be covered in glass any moment.  I turned and gave him a look that could kill.  He walked away after yelling some more.  I was calm and just waited for the truck to be moved.  Now, I had no idea what he was yelling but I have some idea of the abusive words that came out of his mouth.  Total disrespect!

I came home at 10:45 am to check the conditions.  I was surprised to see all in order and I phoned my daughter's school.  To my amazement, she was on time for school.  I don't dare to ask questions but I see that my actions are much louder then my words, in spite of all their threats.  I had long standing plans to be with my niece after work and I made sure that I didn't come home until 11 pm.  I arrived to find my partner and daughter sound asleep.  The next morning was quiet and for some reason, they were kind and thoughtful and acted as if nothing happened.  I was cool and reserved and was prepared to make an exit at the first sign of disrespect, but nothing!  I shows me that I need to stand ground and just walk away.  That stratagy is working for now.