The following is an article I have written. It's part of a book I am working on about parenting and ADHD. Enjoy :)
The Power Tools of ADD Parenting
Need a fresh approach to your child’s ADHD behaviors?
ADD is very challenging for all concerned. These individuals require a wider allowance of time, patience, and humor. These tools will re-energize your approach, get you thinking, and interject a little fun into your relationship with your child/ren. Many of these principles also work well with others in your life. Try some and enjoy!
At a Glance...
- Greeting – Live the 90-second rule
- Talk Talk, Talk Talk - Each day, set aside uninterrupted time to just chat one-on-one
- Actions – They DO speak louder than words
- Love – Each day: Say it, Live it, Show it –Never leave a doubt
- Activity – More, yes, More exercise & movement
- Welcome Mat – That’s you. Be sure you are approachable
- Interaction – Ask, Include, Join, Follow Up
- Turning the Other EAR – When you’re fed-up, take a breath, & remind yourself of this
- Green Peace – Provide the RDA of outdoor time
- Teacher Beseecher – Work WITH the teacher, don’t join the opposition
- Join the Ranks - Group therapy can work wonders
- Just Because Day – Every once in awhile (or more often) let your kid call the shots!
Greeting – Live the 90-second rule –
What does this mean? First things first.
Recognize this scenario? You walk in the door carrying groceries with our head twisted sideways talking on the cell. A vague wave in your child’s general direction serves as a greeting as you walk on through to the kitchen to put things away.
Or… you come home from work, exhausted and need some time to put your feet up. Calling out “I’m home” without waiting for an answer, you rush upstairs to change and check your email.
The 90-Second Rule is a wonderful method developed by Jim Fannin of taking the first 90 seconds when you first see your loved ones, to stop and have a real greeting. Say “hello”, ask how their day is, etc. Very basic, but very effective. By breaking the action, you are demonstrating that they are important, and come first. Fannin’s website has a video demonstration. I am tempted to consider it required viewing for anyone with a family.
Talk Talk, Talk Talk - Each day, set aside uninterrupted time to just chat one-on-one
This can be over breakfast, before bed, or in the car instead of the traffic report, anytime. It’s easy to bring up something they’ve done recently to start the ball rolling. What to have for dinner can segue into their favorite foods. Making a fire can bring up your days as a Scout. Just taking a few minutes to check in and “keep it real,” so to speak. By starting a habit of talking now, you introduce an opening for future more difficult conversations.
Actions – They DO speak much louder than words
Taking a few minutes to watch your kid play a game and commenting on what you’re seeing is a great way to show you care. Asking what they would prefer to have for dinner, A or B, demonstrates that they have a say in things. Taking a leisurely walk along a park trail, just because it’s a pretty day –that’s quality bonding. Drop by while they’re doing homework, and ask if they need any help. If you know they are concerned about something, brainstorm for solutions with them. Really, being involved in their day-to-day lives is at least as important as taking care of the big stuff. It will impact them positively every single day.
Love – Each day: Say it, Live it, Show it –Never leave a doubt
Those three little words that mean so much. It’s easy to slip them in when you are saying goodbye on the phone, sending them off to school each day, or just because you feel like giving them a hug. Other ways that say “I love you” without the “eww mom” factor: leave a goofy note for them to find, Put something of theirs in a totally unexpected (but easy to see) location… like their hat or headset on a stuffed animal, or a favorite toy (not electronic) in the refrigerator. You can also surprise them by putting something special in the mailbox, and sending them out for the mail, claiming to know nothing about that little prize.
Most especially, they need to hear you love them then the chips are down. After something dismal at school, after you have had an argument, the betrayal of a friend… Those hard times are easier when they know you are still there for them, no matter what.
Activity– More, yes, More exercise & movement
Get out your bike, get everybody geared up in helmets, and take off. Go for a day of swimming. Buy a yoga tape, it’s not just for the trendy and supermodels, it’s free, no equipment required, & you can do it anywhere.
Studies show that exercise stimulates the mind. After a quick playtime, an ADD child can focus more clearly on a task, because the urge to move around has been satisfied. Activities are good for us in general, but they are particularly therapeutic for ADD.
Wash the dog –or the car- together and get into a splash war. It’s a good time for now, and later- in your memories, even if the dog gets the better of you.
Head to the park or backyard and play a little ball. Do a round of golf. Break out the grill and have a horseshoe competition while the burgers cook. One of the most fun, and silliest group activities is to organize a scavenger hunt. Hide & Seek, Tag… anything to get the body moving.
Work on a scrapbook together. Get a bunch of photos, a few stickers and add things like ticket stubs, a brochure of where you vacationed, anything semi-flat that you can arrange. There are several websites that offer really cheap or even free printing. Don’t limit yourself to just photos – mini-quotes, pictures from online, a short article… sky’s the limit.
Welcome Mat – That’s you. Be sure you are approachable.
It’s hard sometimes to turn the outside world off just like that, but make the effort if your child needs you. Can 10 minutes of your time hurt that much when you’re trying to finish a task? Take a break with your kid. They’ll feel important, and you’ll be glad you did.
If you really have to finish something up, make an appointment with your child. You don’t have to tell them that is what you are doing, but treat it like an appointment in your mind so it takes priority. Obviously, there are times when you can’t be interrupted, and be sure to explain this to your child in advance. Let them know in advance you are expecting an important phone call, or need to spend some time on the computer.
For those really busy times, you can have a signal –like a closed door, a sign you hang up, even a party store traffic cone sitting nearby.
Interaction – Ask, Include, Join, Follow Up
It’s easy to invite your child to help you do something. Even though it’s often easier or less time-consuming to do it alone, your child will be getting practice for real world activities and you will be subtly bonding. Gentle pressure to “just try” something can often lead to discovery of something they enjoy.
Seek their opinion on things. They are members of the household, and listening to their opinion demonstrates that they have a voice, even if their vote is in the minority.
Join in on something you see them doing. Not to the point you are being intrusive, but show interest. You, too, may find a new interest.
At the end of the day, ask what they thought about something. Get their feedback. It encourages communication and lets them know you’re listening.
Turning the Other EAR – When you’re fed-up, take a breath, & remind yourself of this
If your child is a motor-mouth, your ears are tired. If your child is on the quiet side, but seems to complain a lot, you get frustrated hearing the negativity.
So often, we have the urge to say something sarcastic, something with an edge. Though they seldom like to admit when their feelings are hurt, ADD kids are super sensitive to criticism, and even imagine worse than they actually receive. They are their own worst critic.
To avoid adding to the long list of shortcomings they have racked up that day, try halting those sharp words. When a child has a hard day of being jolted awake by the alarm, putting on their shirt backward and being laughed at later, teacher reprimands, a big letter D on their homework with “minus 10 for late”, snickering classmates, dropping their ice cream at lunch, dismal gym performance, losing their jacket somewhere on the way home, the neighbor kids teasing more than they like, facing two hours of homework that will be only partially done because they don’t understand it and their math book is at school, being reprimanded at home twice (one for the D, the other for forgetting their chores) it is hard to endure yet another “put down” from your parents.
Instead of adding to the negative surplus they already have, give a point to the other side. Compliment how they remembered to let the dog out, or ate their dinner before having an ice cream, how smart their vocabulary sentences are (not how messily it is written). Overlook for now the wrapper and crumbs they left on the counter, don’t mention the toilet seat left up, or the mess their room is. Save that for a positive spin of the things you’d like to see them do next, after noticing how well they have already done.
Let them make mistakes without it being “the end of the world.”
Green Peace – Provide the RDA of outdoor time
ADD kids (and adults) respond very well to the stimulation provided by simply being in a green, leafy environment. It is very soothing and settling to a whirling mind. There are countless things for the eye to rest upon, lots of room for daydreams or running around –according to the type of AD/HD your child has. Since your teachers have probably noticed your child’s penchant for staring out the window, indulge their passion in an appropriate way. Maybe, allow a 15 minute break from homework or before dinner. Just a few minutes of freedom can sustain the maelstrom that makes up their thoughts until the next break.
Besides playing, quieter activities are very calming: a walk, laying in the hammock, reading a book outside (yes, they will be distracted, but it’s a good distraction), playing with the dog, a leisurely bike ride, watering the garden or lawn… anything that gets them outside.
Teacher Beseecher– Work WITH the teacher, don’t join the opposition
Go into Parent/Teacher meetings with pride (but not a chip). Don’t focus on what is wrong – have a list of areas you know your child needs extra help with, and be prepared to negotiate terms. The point is to advocate for your child, not come back from a meeting and say, “You need to get to work!”
Point out things your child enjoys to their teacher; help them understand your child as an individual. If they are not well-versed in ADD, bring along a few articles or links to offer information. Offer to work with them in making your child’s education more successful. Follow through on your agreement.
Also talk with your child about their ADD. Let them know the ways their school is working with them. Many times they have no idea a special accommodation is being made. Help them to have a healthy attitude about the condition, and show them they have the power to help manage it. Explain how you are willing to work with them. Knowledge and self-awareness are powerful tools. Sometimes just knowing there is a name for what they are going through brings much-needed relief. It helps them to understand why they are different and not just “stupid” or “weird”, hurtful words they are probably all-too-familiar with.
Join the Ranks - Group therapy can work wonders
There are group classes, camps, and therapies available that offer guided role-playing, strategizing, and information that build self-esteem. Ask your child’s doctor or insurance provider, look online, and with your local chapter of CHADD.
Being around kids with similar challenges and interests can be eye-opening. The other parents will likely have information to exchange and new friendships may result.
Just Because Day – Every once in awhile (or more often) let your kid call the shots!
Of course, they will have obvious safety and logistical guidelines, but let them know it is their day to be the boss! Such a heady and refreshing change of events will likely seem as if the planets have suddenly aligned. Be a sport, follow along, and give correction if things start to get out of hand of course, but allow for a little madenss.
Be sure you are well-rested for Just Because Day (name it anything you want), and clear the day of obligations. If you want to set some guidelines, provide a “menu” of things they can choose from. Group them under: Things to Do, Places to Go, Things to Eat, etc… That way, you won’t be hopping a plane to Disney World or explaining to a pouty 9-year-old why you can’t.
You might also consider buying a disposable camera and letting them document the day as they see fit. Above all, have FUN and let your child’s imagination and spirit pout forth.
Sources:
http://www.the90secondrule.com/
http://www.chadd.org/
http://www.mysummercamps.com/camps/Special_Needs_Camps/Learning_Disabilities_and_ADHD/index.html
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