I apologize for my recent absence from adhdworld...I was dealing with some major changes in my life, and am just now getting back to a normal frame of mind. lolIn February, I was laid off of the job I'd held for almost 7 years. In March, my daughter gave birth to my first grandchild, Lily Ann.This entry will be short and sweet, bit I am so happy to be back. I've got a lot of catching up to do.

Ok...the panic is setting in...Thanksgiving is tomorrow which means an overabundance of stimulation with food, family and fun.

Not only will I be on the razor's edge of sanity, but I'm going to have to keep close tabs on my daughter to make sure she isn't falling into the ADD abyss: that point that we get to of extreme agitation and anxiety.  We're having dinner at my sister's house, and she's such a sweetheart.  She has a "quiet room" where Sammy and I can go to get away from the hubbub.  It's at the far back side of the house away from all the festivities, and it's great for taking a break and re-energizing and re-focusing.

If you find yourself getting edgy and nervous, seek out a quiet spot to help you dial it down a notch...I've found this to be such a great alternative to tearing someone's head off.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

I love shopping...I really, really do.  I love clothes and shoes and books...BUT...I HATE the mall.  The mall is probably the worst place on the planet for an ADDer to spend any significant amount of time.  The external stimuli bombarding our brains makes for an extremely stressful experience...especially at Christmas time.

Sight

• Decorations ~ The holiday decorations are big and bright and abundant; often times festooned with twinkling lights
• Displays ~ Merchandise is EVERYWHERE...racks and tables and counters and even the floor...so MUCH to look at.
• Food court ~ The food court is a metropolis all on it's own..every color of neon, menus, people, lines...ugh.

Sound

• Mall music vs. store music ~ Walk through the mall to one tune, and enter a store to another tune.  The teen stores are generally blaring some kind of incomprehensible hard core music which gets on my very last nerve.
• People ~ The constant hum of the crowd, babies crying, children screaming, Santa ho-ho-ho'ing....QUIET PLEASE!!!!
• Food court ~ MORE people, more crying, screaming children - fryers and steamers and ice machines oh my!

Smell

• Food court ~ are you sensing a theme with me? Every imaginable smell wafts through this jungle of junk food.
• Cookie and Pretzel stands ~ nuff said.
• People ~ All variety of human scents drifting through the air, and as you pass each individual.
• Perfume Section/Bath & lotion stores ~ I will go out of my way to avoid these places.  The variety and blending of scents and smells makes me insane.

Taste

• Food court
• Perfume Section/Bath & lotions stores ~ I can TASTE all the perfumes in the air...blllllleeeeeeeeeeeccchhhhhhh!!!

Touch/Feeling

• Touch
  • Sore feet and back
  • Shlepping a purse and heavy bags all over the place.
  • Trying on clothes ~ I personally hate this...I will very rarely try something on. I can't stand the confined space of the dressing room, for one thing, and the constant removing and putting on of clothing irritates me to no end.
  • Pawing through the racks and tables of merchandise with all of the various textures and weights.
• Feeling
  • Along with touch, there is the added sense of spatial feeling.  I avoid crowds at all costs because I can't stand the feel of strangers invading my personal space.  It makes me nervous and upset.
  • The size of the mall alone with it's soaring ceilings and endless walkways belies the claustrophobic feeling of comingling with the crowd and being forced to squeeze through tightly packed racks of merchandise.

The advent of online shopping has taken a lot of the stress of the holidays away.  Now, if I could only stop procrastinating so that people aren't waiting for their Christmas gifts in January. Hahahaha

I found this poem on A Little Salty.  I think it describes growing up ADD...at least it does to me.

Limitations Limited

Hold on, be strong

too right but so wrong.

Searching for a former clarity,

but now I live in a new reality.

Everyone said I was capable of anything

if I'd just decide and try my best, I could have everything.

I never did, so I'll never know;

it's probably for the best

because it softened the blow.

Now, my limitations are impossible to ignore -

medications galore — keep me rational but there simply is no cure.

I hit the bottom and clawed my way back to your reality,

I'm still learning how to adapt and control this new overwhelming anxiety.

I can talk a good game and fake it like the best of anyone,

I can keep it all inside and fool everyone.

But I won't because I need to rebuild my confidence to heal

and I can't do that when I feel so disconnected and unreal.

I feel ashamed though I've done nothing wrong,

hiding my sickness is weak, speaking out is strong.

Especially since so many people doubt that  it's even real

As did I, for so long that I forgot how to feel.

But now I'm facing down my biggest fear,

and my limitations are on display — tangible and clear.

I finally made a commitment and gave it my all,

looks like it won't be good enough, but I won't let that make me fall.

I stood up and have endured as so many symptoms returned,

I've kept them in check and there's so much I have learned.

Most importantly, I've met my goal

by sheer willpower because there's a limit to what medicine can control.

And yet when my family tells me that they are so proud I've made it through,

it's bittersweet — an uncomfortable reminder that it's the best I can do

but I've given this a lot of thought,

and I am proud because at least I tried and I fought.

Pass or fail, this battle is already won

because I struggled, stumbled, cried, but I got it done.

The exam results won't change anything,

I got through this, now I know I can get through anything.

It seems to me that the diagnosis and treatment process of ADD is a little counter-intuitive to the symptoms of ADD.  I don't know about anyone else, but when I thought that this might be what my issue was, I called my insurance company for a recommendation of a doctor that specialized in adult ADD.  They gave me a few names (none of which worked anywhere near where I live or work).  I called each practitioner on my list, and the first appointment I could get was with a LSW.  She never gave me any tests, or tried to ascertain any particular disorders.  She seemed more interested in counseling me on how to get my life together by exploring my past. (i.e. Mother Issues). 

After 5 or 6 visits, she finally conceded that I wasn't hung up on my past so much as I was just trying to figure out how to get through the day without losing my car keys.  She gave me the name of a psychiatrist (again, nowhere near where I work or live) who gave me forms to fill out, which were complete with scratched out answers because I am horrible at forms.  She diagnosed the ADD, and provided me with a prescription, and an appointment to come back in a month. WHAT?  I'm going to have to try and remember another appointment, and try to get there on time? EVERY MONTH???

Well, the first medication didn't really seem effective to me (Adderall).  At my next appointment, well nothing happened because I missed it and got charged $50 for missing it.  But, at the NEXT appointment, she changed my meds to Concerta.  These worked o.k., but I would get the worst dry mouth and stomach upset near the end of the day. 

I'd been ADD all my life, but only knew it for a brief time, and yet not one of these practitioners who supposedly specialized in the treatment of adult ADD gave me any advice on how to change the habits I'd formed over a lifetime of just trying to cope and get by.  No one addressed the problem of self esteem.  No one told me that I could have work accommodations.  In fact, anything and everything I have learned about ADD has been from books and the internet.  In other words...I diagnosed and am currently treating myself...for free.

This isn't the ideal solution clearly, but I simply don't feel that the "system" is or will ever be designed to REALLY help us.  Throwing meds at us and expecting us to suddenly be "normal" and be able to handle life is very presumptious.  Treatment should be all-encompassing.  I can't afford the prices life coaches charge, because I have screwed up my finances so horribly because I forget to pay bills on time. lol

I have a dream that some day there will be a facility/site/organization that will treat the WHOLE person with ADD.  I have the perfect vision of it in my head, but of course, I know the task is daunting, and I will never make it a reality.

One of the most interesting aspects of ADD/ADHD for me has been the state of hyper-focus.  I amaze myself at the stamina, the motivation, and the concentration I can apply to a task when in this state.  Granted, everything else in life is forgotten for that time period...including, eating, sleeping, and bathroom breaks. lol

I once spent 19 hours straight writing an Excel program for work.  While this was great for my employer, I didn't eat the entire time, and I took bathroom breaks, only when the need became too great to avoid any longer.  This is an extreme case, but it is not atypical of a hyper-focus moment.  I feel ALIVE during these times.  I feel that I am ACCOMPLISHING something.  I feel PROUD of myself that I am getting something done.

HOWEVER, the down side is that everything else is ignored.  I have found that timers do not work for me.  I've tried kitchen timers, alarm clocks, computer pop up reminders, etc.  I just ignore those too.  So, what I have done recently, and have found to work pretty well is that I have asked for help from people I trust.  If one of these people recognizes a state of hyper focus occurring they will physically get in my face and force my focus away from what I'm doing.  Together, we will assess whether I should be allowed to continue for a little while longer, or if it is time to stop now.  Having this physical interaction with another person helps break the cycle and I'm able to move on to another task. 

I've trained my "trustees" to recognize when I'm in hyper focus mode.  My trustees are my sister, my kids, and a couple of friends at work.  I even have online trustees...friends online who when they see me on here for too long, get on my case.  They look for the signs...(i.e. not eating and not taking breaks, failure to answer the phone or a question, etc.)

It's been working out great for me.  I like when I get into this mode, but I know that I can't pull myself out of it, so my dear friends and family lend me that pull I need.

I've had the great fortune of late to discuss what it 'feels' like to have ADD with a variety of people from all walks of life. These people have opened up to me, and I to them because of our similarities in emotions, mental states and desires for understanding. All of us have a need to feel that someone 'gets us'; that someone truly understands what it's like to live in our skin. While no one person can truly live 'in' the life of another, commonalities can provide a certain degree of kinship or 'kindred-ship'.

One of the most common elements running through the ADDers I've talked to is a feeling of ultra-sensitivity. We, as a group tend to be sensitive to a whole host of external stimuli. Whether it be a rude sales clerk, slight variations in temperature, or our new underwear.

Emotional Sensitivity.

ADDers have a tendency to take everything very personally. Any slight or criticism is taken to heart. In part, I believe, this is physiological, but in essence I believe that this comes from our own self-esteem and self-criticisms growing up with the feeling that we are 'less-than' somehow. We see others doing things with ease that we struggle with. We ask ourselves why we are so stupid and lazy.

It is only natural then, to assume that others feel the same about us as we do. Since we view ourselves as inferior and without skill, then we are very willing to allow others to validate that feeling through their comments.

Physical Sensitivity.

Many ADDers that I've talked to prefer cotton to silk; denim to wool; sweats to suits. This is due in large part to our physical sensitivity to touch. Many ADDers cut the tags out of their clothes because the very presence of these annoying little tabs of cloth or paper can distract us all day with their tiny little pokes and scratches. (The person who came up with tagless clothes is a genius and should have a statue erected). Clothes that are too tight or too loose, or just feel 'wrong' are a constant source of irritation to be endured as well.

Physical sensitivity doesn't limit itself to clothing. We may be sensitive to the touch of another person as well. People sitting too close to us on the bus can put our nerves at high alert. A handshake can leave an impression on our skin that stays with us for hours, distracting us from the business at hand. (Sorry, bad pun)

Mental Sensitivity.

This one is easy. The abundance of external stimuli we face on a daily basis can drive us to exhaustion and dis-ease. The smells, sights, sounds, tastes and feelings we take in at any one moment are like an avalanche of information in our brains. Because we have very limited filtering capabilities, all of this stimuli is processed and our brains are working overtime to get it all tucked away in the right compartments.

No wonder we are susceptible to 'zone out' moments. It's a wonder we are able to function at all.

Spiritual Sensitivity.

This one may or may not be ADD related, but I include it here to ponder. I feel, as many of my friends do, that just as we are sensitive to the material world, we are sensitive to the spiritual nature of the world and its inhabitants. This could be due in large part to the fact that we are constantly taking in the world as a whole, and for the spiritual, this would mean too, the 'essence' of the world as well.

Generally, I can feel the intent of a person I meet. That's not to say I can read their mind. What I mean is that I can intuitively feel their basic spiritual nature. I'm not claiming to be a medium or psychic or anything like that. I just think that being as sensitive as we are, we can feel their emotional/spiritual/mental state although we may not be able to assimilate what we feel into language or thought. We just get an impression, and in most cases we're pretty accurate.

So what?

So, we're sensitive. What do we do about it? I say we do absolutely nothing. Recognize your sensitivities. Understand where they come from, and trust in them. Rest when you can, re-energize yourself by doing something that makes you feel comfortable and at ease. Trust your instincts when it comes to other people. Above all, give yourself a break, and understand that others do not see you as poorly as you see yourself. Take the compliments when given, and take the criticisms at face value.